As I am meandering around my small room, unpacking from the trip, with low lights, soft music, and chicken in the oven, I realize that this is the first evening in nearly a month that I have had entirely to myself, in an apartment that is entirely my own. It feels good. If solitude could arouse someone erotically, then that is exactly what it is doing right now.
Marriage: Watching my parents’ marriage disolve, seeing a beautiful relationship forming between my brother and his astounding fiance, meeting old high school friends in marriages of many years with children, reading the Marquis de Sade’s arguments against monogamy, hearing about college friends getting engaged, staying with my former professor’s wonderful family, controversies about gay marriage, conversations about freedom and fulfilling (and our inability to fulfill) our partner’s needs… all of this in the past month has got me thinking about marriage, relationships, and sexuality, and I feel my views on these changing rapidly. I begin to doubt more strongly than ever that I will ever be married, because I do not want to tie myself to a single person for any duration, with any level of accountability except to myself. Notions of partnerships of three sound more appealing, no matter the gender make-up.
I am even being critical of my own heterosexuality, how much of it is genuine, and how much of it is reinforced by my background and the fierce homophobia that once consumed me long ago. Does the gender of the person that brings me pleasure and fulfill my needs really matter? Why am I so attracted to the female breast? Is the kiss of a man any different than the kiss of a woman? I would like my partner to be feminine, and I cannot imagine forsaking my masculinity– but is a female partner really necessary? And yet, I am virtually never attracted to men.
I do not mean to condemn marriage in any way. As I noted, there are at least some cases of marriage that are clearly wonderful, bountiful, and something I wish I could taste in some life, and other marriages that will take place that I am pleased to watch happen and, in the modest role of Best Man, to take a part in. But the direction that I am growing in, as each year passes, seems to pull me away from marriage. That is very likely not my lot, and I am becoming more emotionally accepting of this, rather than merely intellectually accepting.
Natural Causes 
Kamran, I very much appreciate this entry of yours. I find your perspective on the issue of sexuality quite fascinating. I have always believed that love or the desire of being with someone does not need a label, nonetheless a specific gender. I have experienced a kiss from both sexes, however I cannot possibly imagine being with a woman who is masculine. Mainly because I am not sure if they do exist and find interest in men who are not so masculine. Once again, very insightful post.